Another holiday season...

Here it is again. The holiday season and once again i am without my grandma...i miss her so much it makes my heart ache because i ALWAYS saw her on christmas day. No matter what was going on. pretty soon that day will be here again and i can't hug her...or tell her i love her...or get her to get my dad to come see me again. this is year number three and it hurts so much. i miss her with all my heart...i miss my dad...i hate that he lives so far away because right now i really need him...i can't do this without you...i don't care what it takes find a way to get down here...soon...i don't like spending the holidays without you. it's bad enough that she is gone...come back to Idaho Falls dad...come home...My mom helps me so much when it comes to missing my family and especially when i miss my grandpa dewey since that is her dad. but when it comes to grandma mutschler, dad your kinda the expert because your the only kid of hers that actually cared for her...i love my family so much. and especially my new family. I am lucky to have so many people around me during the holidays. Michael especially. My husband is my world and my daughter as well. And i am so lucky to have michaels family in my life as well. they are such nice people and i love to be around them all. especially around the holidays because that is what the holidays are about. Family. yea the food is good and the presents do not hurt either. but what matters the most is being able to be around your family. which i do every day. :) i love you all so much! my dads family (the imediate part) my moms family and my in laws :) you guys are all so good to me and i am so lucky to have you all in my life.

My crazy amazing life

So much has changed since I last updated my blog. Here is a summary of everything. I moved back in with my now HUSBAND. Yes I got married and I could not be any happier than I am with him. Michael is my world and in less than four weeks my daughter will be born and my little family will be together completely. Just in time for Christmas time. I can't wait to see her beautiful face and to be able to kiss her little cheeks and to hold her hands. I am even excited to change her poopy diapers just so I have her in my arms. Michael wants her to be here just as much as I do if not more. We both can't wait for her arrival. I love that she can't kick my bladder anymore when she is out :) and I will not have to worry about coughing and sneezing as I do right now. Zerelda will be the most spoiled baby girl on the planet!! I love my crazy life and I love everyone in it. I love Michael's family so much as well because they are so amazing to me. I honestly do not know what I would do without them sometimes. They are the nicest people I have ever met :)

this song describes how i feel exactly :'(

"Back To December"

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.

I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.

Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.

But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time.
All the time.

*i hope he sees that i feel horrible for what happened, and that i love him very much. i wish he would see i will be better to him this time.*

Think before you act

On Wednesday the 13th of July i made the biggest mistake of my life. I left my loving Fiance because of someone i am no longer friends with and plan on NEVER SPEAKING TO AGAIN. i love this man so much. but i hurt him. i broke his loving heart. and i feel like a fucking idiot for it. i love you michael steven casteel jr. for the rest of our lives. and i will love you until the day i die. i swear to you. please please forgive me. you are the love of my life and the father of my child. till the day that i die you have my heart. i swear to you. and i will never ever give up on us. i know you love me back. i love you with all of my heart and soul. i will never stop fighting for you. ever. you have all of me forever. please please realize i never wanted to leave you. i want to be with you for the rest of our lives. please. put our family back together. i love you. and as i am typing this i am crying my eyes out. because i know i fucked it all up. i don't know what more i can say. other than i am so in love with you. forever. my heart beats a million times a minute just thinking about you. i need you. who else is going to make sure i don't scratch when i have an allergic reaction. who is gonna hold my hair back when i puke. who else is gonna make fun of me when i trip over my own feet. please. with all of my heart i am begging you. be mine again. i love and miss you so much. i am so so so sorry. please put our family back together. i swear your all i want. is our family please baby. your everything to me.

i love this song. i think of my baby sister jenna every time i hear it

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14 there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up

The Last 3 Weeks....

18 Years of a promise to take care of your children. 12 Spent being my best friend. My one person i could go to talk when i was upset. Thrown away like i was nothing but a bother. Your new husband is more important. Now day after day i walk with my head down. try not to cry. and hope to god Michael doesn't see through the Happy act. It will be okay eventually. i know it will. but until then..i hope that the fake smile and the hurt look don't get noticed. I love the people that have helped me these three weeks. but i will never EVER forgive you for what you did. i don't know exactly how to put into words the hurt you have caused. When you kept me that was a promise to love me. i am the oldest of your children. the one you told everything to. Thrown away because that is what he wanted. i think about it all everyday. you said you would love me forever. you said you would take care of me forever. you said you would be there for me whenever i needed you no matter what. and then you do this?! Throw me out like i'm nothing. and that is what i feel like at the moment. Like trash. you hurt me so much. and you don't even seem to care. you tell ME that i am being immature??!! you act like a junior high school student. and if that is the way your going to act, then i don't need you either. i have great people around me. Michael is definitely the best. Rexy. Pam. Michael's mom and family being so nice to me. Lacey keeping me happy at work. you guys are awesome! and i don't know where i would be or what i would do if it were not for all of you.

2011. A new year with brand new problems & goals.

Things i want to accomplish before the year is over:
A) I want to move out of my parent's house. I have a full time job now so that goal should not be to much of an issue. But i am still going to add this to my list of things.

B) I want to lose at least fifty pounds. I am sick of being over weight. Hopefully now that i am out of fast food i will have better luck with that. I have no self control when it comes to good food.

C) I want to road trip this summer. Preferably to somewhere with a beach so i can be in the ocean and get some kick ass sea shells. This goal will help me in the long run for another goal i want. Which is to go to both the coasts in the US :) it will happen. Just will take a lot of preparation.

D) I need a car. Thank god i have a better job with better pay so i can accomplish this goal very soon. I am done depending on everyone else to take me where i need to go. I feel horrible having to ask Michael and Mom and Sara. It's NOT there responsibility to make sure i get my pay check or get to Wal*mart to get my stain remover or food for my fish.

E) This one has to deal closely with the last goal. I need my License. I just need to find someone to teach me to drive on the freeway and in the snow. Then my training is complete and i can finally depend on myself and not everyone around me that didn't procrastinate.

F) I want to get into ISU in the fall. That means i will have to take the ACT here soon but i am prepared to do whatever it takes to get it done. I will graduate college. And it will mean i am the first one in my immediate family.