this song describes how i feel exactly :'(

"Back To December"

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.

I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.

Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.

But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time.
All the time.

*i hope he sees that i feel horrible for what happened, and that i love him very much. i wish he would see i will be better to him this time.*

Think before you act

On Wednesday the 13th of July i made the biggest mistake of my life. I left my loving Fiance because of someone i am no longer friends with and plan on NEVER SPEAKING TO AGAIN. i love this man so much. but i hurt him. i broke his loving heart. and i feel like a fucking idiot for it. i love you michael steven casteel jr. for the rest of our lives. and i will love you until the day i die. i swear to you. please please forgive me. you are the love of my life and the father of my child. till the day that i die you have my heart. i swear to you. and i will never ever give up on us. i know you love me back. i love you with all of my heart and soul. i will never stop fighting for you. ever. you have all of me forever. please please realize i never wanted to leave you. i want to be with you for the rest of our lives. please. put our family back together. i love you. and as i am typing this i am crying my eyes out. because i know i fucked it all up. i don't know what more i can say. other than i am so in love with you. forever. my heart beats a million times a minute just thinking about you. i need you. who else is going to make sure i don't scratch when i have an allergic reaction. who is gonna hold my hair back when i puke. who else is gonna make fun of me when i trip over my own feet. please. with all of my heart i am begging you. be mine again. i love and miss you so much. i am so so so sorry. please put our family back together. i swear your all i want. is our family please baby. your everything to me.