The Last 3 Weeks....

18 Years of a promise to take care of your children. 12 Spent being my best friend. My one person i could go to talk when i was upset. Thrown away like i was nothing but a bother. Your new husband is more important. Now day after day i walk with my head down. try not to cry. and hope to god Michael doesn't see through the Happy act. It will be okay eventually. i know it will. but until then..i hope that the fake smile and the hurt look don't get noticed. I love the people that have helped me these three weeks. but i will never EVER forgive you for what you did. i don't know exactly how to put into words the hurt you have caused. When you kept me that was a promise to love me. i am the oldest of your children. the one you told everything to. Thrown away because that is what he wanted. i think about it all everyday. you said you would love me forever. you said you would take care of me forever. you said you would be there for me whenever i needed you no matter what. and then you do this?! Throw me out like i'm nothing. and that is what i feel like at the moment. Like trash. you hurt me so much. and you don't even seem to care. you tell ME that i am being immature??!! you act like a junior high school student. and if that is the way your going to act, then i don't need you either. i have great people around me. Michael is definitely the best. Rexy. Pam. Michael's mom and family being so nice to me. Lacey keeping me happy at work. you guys are awesome! and i don't know where i would be or what i would do if it were not for all of you.

2011. A new year with brand new problems & goals.

Things i want to accomplish before the year is over:
A) I want to move out of my parent's house. I have a full time job now so that goal should not be to much of an issue. But i am still going to add this to my list of things.

B) I want to lose at least fifty pounds. I am sick of being over weight. Hopefully now that i am out of fast food i will have better luck with that. I have no self control when it comes to good food.

C) I want to road trip this summer. Preferably to somewhere with a beach so i can be in the ocean and get some kick ass sea shells. This goal will help me in the long run for another goal i want. Which is to go to both the coasts in the US :) it will happen. Just will take a lot of preparation.

D) I need a car. Thank god i have a better job with better pay so i can accomplish this goal very soon. I am done depending on everyone else to take me where i need to go. I feel horrible having to ask Michael and Mom and Sara. It's NOT there responsibility to make sure i get my pay check or get to Wal*mart to get my stain remover or food for my fish.

E) This one has to deal closely with the last goal. I need my License. I just need to find someone to teach me to drive on the freeway and in the snow. Then my training is complete and i can finally depend on myself and not everyone around me that didn't procrastinate.

F) I want to get into ISU in the fall. That means i will have to take the ACT here soon but i am prepared to do whatever it takes to get it done. I will graduate college. And it will mean i am the first one in my immediate family.

"friends"?

there comes a time when a person you have been very good friends with starts hanging out with the very person you want to get ran over by a bus or train...and they act like them. and then they decide your just not good enough to be their friend anymore because you don't like the one they hang out with...so they ditch you. all the time. make plans and break them...or just be like oh i'm with my best friend...yea that stupid crap. what's real fun is when they want to get mad at you for not making plans with them anymore after you have given up. yea i have a former friend like that. i thought we would be best friends forever. but it turns out that the other person was to manipulative. and my friend was naive enough to fall for her lies. i just hope she doesn't get hurt in the process. the girl, whom we will call Jane for this post, told my friend, who we will call Shana, that since i was no longer going to deal with Jane's drama, that we should just not be friends. so in fear of losing that friend...decided that it was time to sever the friendship. but when i took her off my list of friends on Facebook. lost it and started yelling at me about being immature...so, since i didn't want her to see i was hurting because of what she did...deleted her off of my friends list..that is immature...someone please teach her the meaning of immature...she obviously does NOT have a clue. So Jane used this to her advantage. She told Shana that i must not care and to sever all ties with me so i don't hurt her anymore. since then Shana has told me twice that she is done with Jane. Both of which has turned out to be lies. before we would get the chance to hang out she would be back to kissing Jane's feet. Which sucks, but she does know where to find me in the event her brain grows back. because it must have run away screaming when she made the conscience decision to be friends with Jane. I know mine would have. But things have gotten better since then. i have the most amazing group of friends lately and i have no clue what i would do without them. and since i think the world should know i won't change their names. Rexy, Shawn, Meggs, Katie..and sometimes Fish. i love you guys so so much! thank you for all you have done for me and if you ever need me you know where to find me day or night!!! Love you!!! <3

awww Christmas time

This holiday can either go really good. or really bad in my case...so many people to get presents for and i'm, as usual, flat broke! yea and i'm not even started on shopping...and i don't get paid till 2 days prior...the phrase "Procrastinator's unite...tomorrow..." fits me oh so well....so me and the rest of the city of idaho falls will be at wal*mart till 3 am trying to get everyones gift on the 22nd...not. good. and i am not looking forward to it. i know what to get Michael...and katie..i think. but what about Rexy? the rest of my massive family? my mom, my cousins, everyone. yea. and of coarse they have gifts for me. and i am making my mom a stocking cuz i live with greedy bastards and they don't do shit for her even though she puts sweat blood and tears into doing all she can for us...yea. they are assholes...but they are men and it seems to come with the male species...not all are like this but alot of them. Michael is definetly an exception....but yea not looking forward to shopping...and this winter bullshit...CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!! >:-(

i miss you...

july 31, 2002 -- january 23, 2008
two dates that will never leave my mind...i miss my grandparents so very much...i wish they could have seen me graduate...seen my baby sister...i wish that my grandpa could have seen my mom leave her ex-husband...and how happy she is with my step dad...i know there in a better place...but i want to hug them...tell them i love them...everyone asks me why i do some of the things i do? like how i refuse to go fishing...that was my grandpas thing to do with me...every visit...so i won't anymore...my grandma....was the best...i love her so very much...i wish i could talk to her...get her help on my current situation...i wish she could meet michael...see how good he is to me...i love him soooo much...he unknowingly helps me out when i miss them...i just want to spend one more day with them both...with my family... i wish...that they were here...i love them...they will always be in my heart...no matter what the future may hold...
in loving memory of Beverly Rae Corey && Dewey Lane Fallis SR <3

You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in your arms

I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you

You used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm living out my dream
Oh how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast

I know you're in a better place, yeah
But I wish that I could see your face, oh
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

!!!!*MuSiC*!!!!

i always have my music running...
either that or i have somethin stuck in my head lol
and i usually do sing it!
i know im weird.
im a complete dork when it comes to music....
im a choir dork...
i am teaching myself to play guitar...
i write alot too...
i have wrote a few poems...
maybe in the future i will post some...
i may have already...
hell i can't remember
i am blonde...
its what i do :)
forget stuffz...
some of my favorite bands/artists are:
1: Evanescence
2: My Chemical Romance
3: Avril Lavigne
4: Rihanna
5: Many more that i can't think of right now
yea i love music!! hahaha it is my life:) <3

the L word...

everyone uses it at one point or another. some just throw it around like its nothing. these people piss me off the most. "oh i love you babe and ill NEVER leave you" yea yea so why are you dating my ex-best friend sherlock? does no one keep their promises anymore? obviously not. which is why i have been single for a looooong time. i just don't care to hear another guy lie to me for six months and then leave me. i mean can ya blame me? yes i would love to find a guy who will love me for me and who won't leave me. do i think that will happen any time soon? no. i want it to and if i did end up with someone i am not saying i wouldn't like it if i got asked out but for real. don't lie to me. if your gonna leave me for someone i am friends with then F the freak off! i don't wanna waste my time. does anyone wanna tell me why guys feel the need to do this to girls they "love"? because i just am not understanding this. i don't want to be single but i will be until someone who is NOT a douche bag comes along...yes there are guys i am interested in not ALL are rude. but still i don't understand the whole "let's treat our girlfriends like shit cuz then our friends will think were kewl. no. they won't. half the time they think your a jack ass. it's not KEWL to make a girl cry. it's rude. and we will dump your ass in a heart beat. not kidding...but whatever i guess. guys suck.